By Christopher Wong, editor in chief
Edit: This is an April Fools’ article written solely for entertainment purposes. None of the content in this article is true.
Don’t count on getting any bars in your classrooms anymore. Previously implemented as a test in the second floor of the C building and the B wing, cell phone signal jammers will be installed in every classroom across JFK.
Timothy Trumbly, Alex Chan, and Alison Newens disapprove of the measures and are enjoying their last days of cell signal in school. (Photo by Chris Wong)
If you have been wondering why there is no reception on the second floor and in the B wing, these devices are why. The school determined it was these classrooms that had the most problems with cell phone use.
“I’m just doin’ my job, and I walk in and see literally all the kids using their phones against the rules,” said hall monitor Parker Blacc, who is currently on extended vacation. “It’s as if the teacher told ’em to use their phones. We really needed to take measures into our own hands.”
The move also comes to deter cheating on exams. “The amount of cheating that occurs on exams is out of this world!” said district representative Ollie Geezer. He claims that the new signal jammers will be able to stop cellphone use in the classroom, thus preventing cheating.
It is not a surprise that the signal jammers are not met with complete praise. One PACEr, Noe Peking, was shocked, “I really don’t think these should be implemented. If they have to be installed, just leave PACE classrooms out. No PACEr would ever cheat!”
Other students even had theories regarding why such drastic measures were being taken. “If we can’t use our data, the school is going to force us to use the school wi-fi so they can track our online usage! It’s a conspiracy!” claimed Ella Natie, who also played triangle in her middle school band at Sutter. She also added that signal jammers has thirteen letters, thirteen minus one is twelve, and that twelve divided by four is three. “It’s confirmed.”
When we asked the head of data at the Serena Center, Dave Minor, about the possibility of district data-mining and monitoring on phones, he said, “No, the SCUSD would definitely not install these devices for the purpose of monitoring students. We only need to be able to see everything they say inside and outside of class to curb the cyber bullying problem that runs rampant in our classrooms. Displays of affection such as kissing emojis will also be discouraged with the implementation of these devices.” He also expressed hope for the future of the school. “Kennedy is really fortunate to be the first school to have these installed.”
No new developments have occurred regarding this controversial issue. For more updates, always check jfkclarion.com and check out our mobile site whenever you are bored in class.