By Sam Pire, Friend of All Bats
On February 28th, John F. Kennedy High School held its second blood drive of the current school year. However, BloodSource employees noticed that they were missing a number of blood bags as they were loading the blood into trucks to transport it back to BloodSource headquarters in midtown Sacramento.
The bloody event lasted six hours and roughly 100 pints of blood were donated. After a thorough investigation, JFK school officials discovered that there are vampires among the diverse population of Kennedy students. However, the vampires were found to be “vegetarians” who do not feed on humans for blood, but on small animals found in the community such as rabbits, squirrels, and possums so there is no need for mortal Kennedy students to fear for their safety. BloodSource employees are working with the vampire community to supply blood to vampires across the community.
In investigation conducted by a select few Claritin staff members, it was learned that many of these students were involved in many school activities such as marching band, robotics, and various sports. Vampires have been found to keep extremely good grades, some of them have GPA’s as high as 4.1. As good as they are at blending into the social scene, they are extremely quiet and private, so it was difficult to find a vampire willing to conduct an interview.
“Vampires require sunscreen of exactly 4036 SPF in order to stay unburned and unholy,” Aldo Rominger, a junior, revealed. Rominger plays bass clarinet in JFK’s marching band and concert band. “I can’t let other people in band borrow my sunscreen because it can actually cause a loss of vitamin D in non-vampires. Vitamin D deficient blood also doesn’t taste all that great. But really, how did you think I stayed so pale?”
Kobi Posey, a sophomore who is also a vampire, was happy to hear that the Kennedy community is accepting of his undead condition. “I thought everyone was gonna be like, ‘Oh my god, we gotta stake those vampires,’ but people have been surprisingly accepting. I think I can wear my traditional vampire garments to school and not have to worry about being the subject of mockery.”
While these vampires have sworn off getting blood directly from humans, they don’t have a problem with getting fresh blood from an indirect source, such as blood collected from blood donation drives, as human blood is what keeps them the strongest and healthiest. Do not fear the vampires, they pose no threat to the mortal students. Continue on with your day, the vampires do not desire to hurt anyone, they just want to fit in.