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Pew Pew the Movie

By Brandan Wong, Clarion Staff

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Star Wars: The Last Jedi is a pretty nice piece of work. I haven’t been this excited for a theatrical release since the sequels to Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Alvin and the Chipmunks.

So pretty much what’s going on is Rey rolls up to some island where the man Luke Skywalkin’ On-These-Haters is living some hermit lifestyle for whatever reason, and Rey is all like, “teach me the ways.” And then like in the trailer, Luke goes, “It time for the Jedi, to die.” And everyone’s like, “Oh my God is the Jedi really last, why is Luke acting like a complete anus.” Meanwhile shirtless Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader Trump, and General Jaundiced Ginger (who’s always got this frowny face) continue to defeat the Renaissance led by some woman I have never seen before.

The movie’s got some pretty crispy effects and stuff, and I was on the edge on my seat on those super comfy chairs at the Arden movie joint, but some stupid kid kept asking questions and stuff about the movie to his dad or something and wouldn’t shut up, and some 10 ft. tall guy decided to sit right in front of me and the only time I actually saw the movie was during that one time when he had to pee and got up.

Anyway, the movie really isn’t all that though. I mean, where’s Ham Solo? They really gotta renegotiate his contract or something because I didn’t see him once in this. Also, Jar Jar isn’t in this so that instantly made the movie a pile of crap. Why is Luke so old? He looked so young in the last movie with him in it. I’m honestly outraged, and why the deuce are there no Ewoks? Instead, they got some dumb friggin bird things. Where’s Pizza the Hut and Samuel L. Jackson’s guy with the purple lightsaber?

Anyways Spongebob Squarepants 3: A New Hope is pretty good. I’ll give it 6 Jar Jars out of 10.

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