By Dean Tensean, Traffic Reporter
School administration announced new policy in an effort to combat the dramatic increase of student truancy and tardiness. “We gotta crack down on these heathens,” stated Dean of Detention Gogh Te Krasche, “We gotta make policy that ensures these irresponsible pupils will suffer the consequences of not arriving to class in time, something that will teach them to never do it again.”
School officials spent many years articulating the perfect charge students face when violating their schedules. “What we need to do, is pull them out of their classes, put them in a room, and have them do absolutely nothing, that’ll teach them,” Krasche proclaimed. “It makes sense.”
Many students were found to be more thrilled than jaundiced by this new policy. “This policy is great,” student Harry Ponseibel told the Claritin, “We were gonna take a fat test and I didn’t study one bit, but because I was late to second period, some guy pulled me out of class and I got to skip the whole thing!”
From other students, outrage erupted once this new form of punishment for tardiness also came about. “How the deuce am I supposed to to prepare for my AP test if I gotta go to detention in the middle of 4th period, my outrage is very erupted!” junior Pierre Stoff said.
“During passing period, my 98-year-old teacher went to the bathroom and her old self decided to take her sweet old time walking back to class, the bell rang, and despite our teacher not unlocking the classroom door and being in the classroom, we got late passes,” sophomore Belle Deng commented. “This doesn’t even make any sense.”
A situation came when one student was reported to have been choking in the class, another student Angel Jesus, who was the only peer trained in CPR, attempted to help the oxygen-starved student but school campus monitors arrived to take the potential hero to detention as a result of failing to arrive to 1st period on time. “I could’ve saved him, but I had to go to detention. Not my fault.” Jesus told the Claritin.
Krasche addressed some of the concerns made by the students. “It’s not that hard to go to class on time, oh boo hoo, you got stuck in traffic, boo hoo you got hit by a car riding your bike to school, if you really cared about coming on time, why didn’t you leave two hours earlier? Like, it’s not that hard.”
When confronted over the possibility of the school’s new tardy policy and how it can affect the seniors ability to graduate, he explained thoroughly and articulately, “I don’t care.”
Krasche explained that the removal of tardy students from class also helps to alleviate Kennedy High’s current class size problem. “Why should we put in effort to hire more teachers and spend our hard earned cash to fix this, when we could just remove the students ourselves. You can’t have class size problems without classes. You all don’t think like I do.”
There is no doubt that some students at Kennedy High “Don’t play by the rules,