Tou Geytoh, Chief Cynicist
Performing members from the John F. Kennedy drumline, color guard, brass band, and Vibe in Promo were denied by student government rally planners after all four auditioned for a spot in the spring rally.
“The studies show,” began lead rally research correspondent Ada Tutch, “students really would prefer to see more slutty dancing and short skirts as opposed to more exciting and talented performances.” A student government research poll of over 23 Twitter users claims that 62% of students who attend rallies would prefer to see more “twerking” at rallies. The survey also found that an overwhelming 79% of students would like the “burlesque” rally theme from the 2015-2016 school year to return.
Many faculty members were concerned about the use of chairs in dancing at the burlesque rally. Believing administration permitted the use of chairs in dance, students brought chairs out onto the dance floor at junior prom. Prom chaperones met these students with a punishment in the form of a time out by facing the wall so they could reflect on their actions. When these students voiced concerns, the Claritin investigated.
Houa Arnee, a district psychologist, helped explain the logic behind the difference in rules, “In a rally setting, the males are seated far up in bleachers away from the dancers. Since these testosterone-filled students are prevented from entering the performance area by their peers, they are unable to act on any dramatically increased blood flow they get from provocative dancing on the performers.” Arnee elaborated, saying that allowing provocative dancing in a “controlled environment” such as a rally allows schools to safely educate teens on proper nightclub etiquette.
Some students are grateful the school allows this opportunity.
“Rallies are the only time I’m allowed to distract people with my body,” said Shelly Durrz, a member of the IOSMOML… (Instead of Stripping Me of My Liberties…) Dance Club. Durrz cited the school’s overbearing dress code as a reason rally entertainment should largely remain in its current state.
Despite being initially turned away, the John F. Kennedy drumline remains optimistic to make it in the rally next season.
“We were told we don’t have enough bass, so we’re considering expanding our bass sections,” began Yer Wong, one of the percussion section leaders. Wong briefly elaborated, but did not have much time to talk because he “had band practice.” Proposals include expanding the electronics section to include six electric bassists, marching an additional five bass drums for a total of ten bass drummers, and programming the synthesizers to be able to choose from over 200 different bass drops.
“However, the choice between making good, competition-winning sound and pleasing the plebes is pretty difficult, so we’re not quite sure if we’ll go through with it next season. The bass drops are definitely in though; our instructor likes those.”
While the drumline adjusts their sound, a new club will be making its debut performance at the rally, the Fishing Club.
“We heard students like bass, and we thought our latest catch was pretty catchy, so we auditioned, and when we got in, we were all like, ‘the hell?’ but we are really happy to be in it!” exclaimed Rhea Le Tin, the club president. To please the masses, the club will do a live performance of catching a tasty black bass from the flooded waters of the gym.