SATIRE

The Bread and Butter of Insults

By Desir Lusti & Anomalily Zepol, Claritin Staff

To many students on campus, vulgar language has become a part of the day-to-day experience of high school life. It is practically impossible to walk through the hallways without hearing an exclamation of “S*%t!” or “Stop acting like a b@%*h!”. However, as of late a new form of obscenity has been noted on campus. In conformity with the wave of neo-Elizabethan pop culture, students have been trading their 21st-century parlance for a completely new set of timeless Shakespearean insults (if you haven’t heard of this trend yet and are just dying to conform with the non-conformists, see a list of JFK’s most popular insults below).

Students on campus stated that they first began to learn of these new insults in their English classes, where they have recently been reading Shakespeare in honor of the Bard’s upcoming birthday. Works read so far include “Romeo and Juliet,” “A Comedy of Errors,” “The Twelfth Night,” “Cymbeline,” as well as a number of sonnets. Sophomore student Cali Bann (son of JFK PTA president S. Corax) claims that he is the one who began the trend after reading “Henry IV” in his Advanced English 10 class. “I was reading Act II, Scene iv. A sheriff, a carrier, and a fat guy walk into a bar. The sheriff goes up to his friend the prince and starts telling him about how the fat guy behind him is ‘ as fat as butter’! I thought it was hilarious and decided to start a new movement of Bardish culture.”, said Bann. When questioned by the Claritin as to why he used the term Bardish instead of neo-Elizabethan, Bann, clearly offended by such an oafish question, retorted “Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage.”

Chris Lee and Kamryn Ebling show how far one offensive action can go into altering one’s mood. Photo by Kyler Landowski, Claritin Staff

A recent fight that hall monitors had to break up began when one student angrily yelled to another, “More of your conversation would infect my brain! (Coriolanus, II, i)” By the time the monitors arrive on site, the students, who were in the library, were already starting to pick up volumes of Western literature, preparing to engage in a battle of brawn as well as brain. Fortunately, the monitors were able to smooth things over quickly. According to a certain unnamed reliable source, the students involved had experienced problems with one another since freshman year. This fight was the culmination of years of mutual antipathy.

In an interview with the Claritin, AP Language and Composition teacher Mr. B. Guildenstern admitted that while he thinks the rise in insults isn’t exactly improving student relations, he is happy to see that Shakespeare’s works are “being kept alive in our hearts and minds”. Only time will tell if the trend continues, or if it will simply strut and fret its hour upon the stage, only to be heard no more.

Chris and Kamryn air out their insults on a cool Spring afternoon (April 1, 2019) at Kennedy H.S.  Photo by Kyler Landowski, Claritin Staff

Categories: SATIRE

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